Thursday, November 27, 2008

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Ann Coulter

I am not sure if this person does have loved ones, but here is today's gift suggestion for right wing harpy, Ann Coulter.

A straw.

It's two gifts in one, really: First, she will need one to have her daily small diet water, as she broke her jaw recently and they wired it shut - hopefully permanently. I mean that in the most loving and constructive way possible.
Also, the straw being very thin, 100% white and completely empty is a dead ringer for Ann - so you can tell her it's the ultra rare new Ann Coulter action figure!

The straw is available for free in most fast food restaurants and already comes gift-wrapped in stylish white paper. Show her she's worth it!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Big 3 Auto CEOs

With this newest installment of the increasingly popular "Celebrity Gift Suggestions", I am responding to an increase in demand by lending a hand to several families at once. I am talking about the loved ones (and trophy wives) of the CEOs of America's leading car makers.

Alan Mulally of Ford, Robert Nardelli of Chrysler and Richard Wagoner of GM saw it fit to fly to Washington in their individual private jets to explain to the government how their companies are doing so badly that only a dose of socialist welfare will keep them over water.

Now, the perfect gift for those three gentlemen must be ...

The Greedy Bastards edition of "Simplify Your Life!"

Unlike the book I suggested for Kenny Rogers, this one is not available anywhere yet. But I am just disgusted enough to write it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Ted Haggard

I hesitate to call Ted Haggard a celebrity, as he is more infamous than famous. I guess a better description of the man best known as Pastor Meth would be lying, hypocritical scum.

But it's the season to be giving and loving, and lord knows the man put his family through enough and they deserve a little support - and what am I if not giving?

The formerly reverend Ted Haggard now resurfaced as an insurance salesman. Because our opinion of him had not been low enough previously, I guess. But back to being giving.

For Ted Haggard, I suggest two gifts: "Praise the Lord" tumblers and Jesus air fresheners.

Because nothing fills that void left behind by crystal meth like cheap liquor downed praising the almighty, and nothing chases away the aroma of santorum like a pine scented messiah.

Merry Christmas, Haggard family!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Kenny Rogers

Ho, ho, fricken ho. As the first snow is decorating the roofs I can see from my window, I decided to give the gift of inspired ideas this holiday season to the many families of celebrities I am sure are reading my blog.

It must be hard when you have to buy something for somebody who has everything. I know Oprah said she really loved the Lalique decanter that Luther Vandross gave her a few years ago, but are we really sure she did not use it as a gravy boat because she already had fourteen others?

So this year, at absolutely no cost to the public, I am presenting gift ideas for celebrities on my blog.

First off is that icon of country and pop music, one of the most successful recording artists of all time, Kenny Rogers.

For Kenny, I suggest his family buy the book How to Fold by Pepin Press:

Kenny has known for years when to fold 'em. It's about time he learned how to fold 'em, too.

How to Fold is a whopping 432 pages and comes with a CD ROM. It's available for less than 20 bucks from good book stores or online. Are you reading, Rogers family??

Friday, November 07, 2008

Kim Jong Il Photoshop Controversy

The North Korean government has been releasing all kinds of photos of Kim Jong Il posing with soldiers to prove that he is not, you know, pushing up posies. Only problem is: As The Telegraph notes, the photos look manipulated. Holy Weekend at Bernie's, Batman! Here is another photo of Kim visiting with a special undercover task force of the proud North Korean army. You be the judge... I think it looks legit, personally.

The Gourmet Choice: Bacon > Fries

Not a hoax: That race was between Bob Bacon and Matt Fries. It is not true, however, that the Green Party candidate was one Michelle Milk-Shake.