Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Sarah Palin

At a personal request, this very special edition of Celebrity Gift Suggestions is dedicated to Sarah Palin, former beauty vice-queen, former mayor of New Novosibirsk, former Governor and former poster child for abstinence only sex education. It must be quite difficult having to find a gift for Ms Palin - you can't get her a magazine or newspaper subscription, she already reads all of them. You can't get her anything for the house, she gets everything done thanks to nepotism. So what can you get for the mother of Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig Palin, grandmother of Tripp Palin-Johnston?

Why, this hot off the presses book, of course!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Buju Banton

Currently Grammy Award nominated homophobe and recording hate monger, Buju Banton, is in a prison cell in Miami charged with "conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute more than five kilos of cocaine."

So, if you are Buju's cell mate and realizing: This guy is gonna be here for a while, I better make nice with him - here is the perfect gift to get Mr Banton for the upcoming holiday.


Reggae for Dummies - because Buju? You're using the wrong drugs, dumbass. You're supposed to smoke "Ganja" to be taken seriously in reggae circles. And it's more than a little ironic that a guy who buys into the brain dead idea that homosexuality was somehow injected into your society by white men would be found neck-deep in what is essentially considered a white drug in every meaning of the word.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Timely Return of Celebrtity Gift Suggestions

It's that time of year again!

The time when plastic lawn ornaments, made by underage Chinese political prisoners in overlong night shifts, stand in the rain on this our warmer globe.

The time when you can hear the greatest hits of Whitney Houston - played on the pan flute, while drinking cheap hot wine that's only drinkable with enough cinnamon added to cover up the methanol taste.

That's right, lads and gentlebeings: It's time for that annually returning blog sensation, Celebrity Gift Suggestions.

This year, I'm kicking things off with the United States' favorite conspiracy theorist and fear monger, Glenn Beck. Don't spell his name Glen, as you never know when you might need an extra N to evoke Godwin's Law!

For Glenn Beck this year, a hypothetical loved one should run, not walk, to the local toy store to get him a box of Clue.

Because really, if Glenn isn't gonna get a Clue, we must buy one for him.

And no, Glenn: "President Obama with a forged birth certificate in the White House Library" is not a valid answer to win this game.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Too many classless people using google

Just a quick post to a nice pic of Michelle Obama.

Google news stories about google image searches to find out why.

Celebrity gift suggestions will return soon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Chris Brown gets off easy

Woman beater Chris Brown made a plea deal to keep him out of jail.

And no sir, I don't like it.

He should have had to serve at least 6 months of the sentence. Among the violent juveniles I work with, probation is considered a win, pretty much.

And we all know that his community work is gonna come down to performing free concerts for puppies, i.e. promote his new album.

And why aren't they making him pay like a million to a woman's shelter or something? Missed opportunity there to have some of his money go to a better cause than blow and herpes medication.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Republican Perv Panda of Pennsylvania

An aide to Republican State Senator Jane Orie (R-PA) found an interesting way to try and make up for the extinction of rare animal species caused by Republican pro-industry policies: Dress up as an endangered critter and try to mate with underage boys.

Yes. Alan David Berlin, a 40-year-old conservative, tried to have sex with a 14-year-old boy using the name "alan_panda_bear" on internet forums for furries. That's people who think the series of "Beethoven" movies is soft porn, if you don't know.

Because if it's not weird beyond belief, it's not a Republican sex scandal.

So without any further ado (as I am quite speechless), here is Big Mama Thornton's Hound Dog - for all you animal lovers out there.

The All-Dark, All-Grim Future of DC Comics

Some "spoilers" if you have not read comics in the past 8 years or so.
Some "soilers" if you have a weak stomach.

To sum up the past couple of years in DC Comics: Sue Dibny gets raped by Dr Light and killed by Jean Loring along with her unborn baby in Identity Crisis.
Blue Beetle gets shot in the head by a supporting character from the most humorous take the Justice League had ever known in Countdown. Bwa-ha.. huh?
Pantha gets her head torn off on panel and Phantom Lady gets a sword poked through her obscene cleavage in Infinite Crisis.
Big Barda dies near her refrigerator while putting away groceries in DonG.
Martian Manhunter, first of the Silver Age heroes, gets murdered by d-listers in Final Crisis. Batman buys it, too, but nobody buys that.
Barry Allen is the new dark detective, fighting crime because his mother was brutally murdered in Flash: Rebirth.
1970s cartoon characters get murdered and otherwise brutalized in Teen Titans.
Jericho goes on a murderous rampage in Titans.
King Kobra kills babies on live TV in Faces of Evil.

And now they tell us in the promotional material for Blackest Night:

The dead rise across the DC Universe, bringing terror and darkness with them.

Wow! Terror and darkness will come to the DC Universe!

Just how will we be able to tell the difference?

Clearly, DC will have to up the ante to keep fans reading. But where do you go once you crossed the "killing babies on live TV" threshold? How can you avoid becoming anticlimactic?

I say go for the big H.

Holocaust on Earth 2 (the last days of the Justice Society - for real... who likes old people?)
Holocaust on Earth 5 (watch Tawny the Tiger go to the gas chambers)
Identity Holocaust (the rapes of Wonder Woman, Black Canary, Ma Hunkel and Lois Lane)
Holocaust on Infinite Earths (all the Flashes die this time)
Infinite Holocaust (Johnny DC is revealed to be a 5th-Dimensional imp and kills every Titan and former JLI member who is still left)
Final Holocaust (nobody will be quite sure what's happening in this one as it's written in a revolutionary new style that features dialogs as haikus that aren't included in the book but can be accessed via Twitter)

I mean, when you got it, flaunt it, Dan DiDio!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Rihanna to Cover Crystals Classic?

Usually deluded sources tell me that Rihanna's next single is a cover of the Crystal's infamous song, He Hit Me And It Felt Like A Kiss, written by the fabulous Carole King.

This exclusive piece of information is, of course, badly fabricated. But at this point, it would not surprise me the least bit.

In other Rihanna news, lawyers for Ms Tina Turner are rumored to prepare a copyright infringement suit against the Bajan songstress.