Chris Brown gets off easy

Woman beater Chris Brown made a plea deal to keep him out of jail.

And no sir, I don't like it.

He should have had to serve at least 6 months of the sentence. Among the violent juveniles I work with, probation is considered a win, pretty much.

And we all know that his community work is gonna come down to performing free concerts for puppies, i.e. promote his new album.

And why aren't they making him pay like a million to a woman's shelter or something? Missed opportunity there to have some of his money go to a better cause than blow and herpes medication.

Republican Perv Panda of Pennsylvania

An aide to Republican State Senator Jane Orie (R-PA) found an interesting way to try and make up for the extinction of rare animal species caused by Republican pro-industry policies: Dress up as an endangered critter and try to mate with underage boys.

Yes. Alan David Berlin, a 40-year-old conservative, tried to have sex with a 14-year-old boy using the name "alan_panda_bear" on internet forums for furries. That's people who think the series of "Beethoven" movies is soft porn, if you don't know.

Because if it's not weird beyond belief, it's not a Republican sex scandal.

So without any further ado (as I am quite speechless), here is Big Mama Thornton's Hound Dog - for all you animal lovers out there.

The All-Dark, All-Grim Future of DC Comics

Some "spoilers" if you have not read comics in the past 8 years or so.
Some "soilers" if you have a weak stomach.



To sum up the past couple of years in DC Comics: Sue Dibny gets raped by Dr Light and killed by Jean Loring along with her unborn baby in Identity Crisis.
Blue Beetle gets shot in the head by a supporting character from the most humorous take the Justice League had ever known in Countdown. Bwa-ha.. huh?
Pantha gets her head torn off on panel and Phantom Lady gets a sword poked through her obscene cleavage in Infinite Crisis.
Big Barda dies near her refrigerator while putting away groceries in DonG.
Martian Manhunter, first of the Silver Age heroes, gets murdered by d-listers in Final Crisis. Batman buys it, too, but nobody buys that.
Barry Allen is the new dark detective, fighting crime because his mother was brutally murdered in Flash: Rebirth.
1970s cartoon characters get murdered and otherwise brutalized in Teen Titans.
Jericho goes on a murderous rampage in Titans.
King Kobra kills babies on live TV in Faces of Evil.



And now they tell us in the promotional material for Blackest Night:

The dead rise across the DC Universe, bringing terror and darkness with them.

Wow! Terror and darkness will come to the DC Universe!


Just how will we be able to tell the difference?


Clearly, DC will have to up the ante to keep fans reading. But where do you go once you crossed the "killing babies on live TV" threshold? How can you avoid becoming anticlimactic?


I say go for the big H.


Holocaust on Earth 2 (the last days of the Justice Society - for real... who likes old people?)
Holocaust on Earth 5 (watch Tawny the Tiger go to the gas chambers)
Identity Holocaust (the rapes of Wonder Woman, Black Canary, Ma Hunkel and Lois Lane)
Holocaust on Infinite Earths (all the Flashes die this time)
Infinite Holocaust (Johnny DC is revealed to be a 5th-Dimensional imp and kills every Titan and former JLI member who is still left)
Final Holocaust (nobody will be quite sure what's happening in this one as it's written in a revolutionary new style that features dialogs as haikus that aren't included in the book but can be accessed via Twitter)

I mean, when you got it, flaunt it, Dan DiDio!

Rihanna to Cover Crystals Classic?

Usually deluded sources tell me that Rihanna's next single is a cover of the Crystal's infamous song, He Hit Me And It Felt Like A Kiss, written by the fabulous Carole King.

This exclusive piece of information is, of course, badly fabricated. But at this point, it would not surprise me the least bit.

In other Rihanna news, lawyers for Ms Tina Turner are rumored to prepare a copyright infringement suit against the Bajan songstress.

Good Riddance, 2008

As the last few hours of 2008 are ticking down here, I'm trying to avoid reflecting too much on all the bad things that went down in this, the worst year I remember living through.

Damn! This sure was no pick nick. And to add insult to injury, they're making this stinker of a year a second longer!

So anyway. Hit the road, 2008. Don't let the door hit ya.

I found this really nice New Years Eve clip of Gladys Knight singing "Overnight Success" on youtube. May 2009 bring us all the fulfillment of our dreams.

Our Prayers Are Answered: Medical Breakthrough

Heroic scientists have found a cure for one of the most devastating ailments of our times: Flimsy-eye-lash syndrome.

Allergan Inc, the maker of Botox, said on Friday that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved its eyelash-thickening drug Latisse.

Latisse is designed to treat a condition known as hypotrichosis of the eyelashes, which means a person does not have enough eyelashes.

The active ingredient in Latisse is bimatroprost, the same ingredient that is in Allergan's glaucoma treatment Lumigan. Patients taking Lumigan found a side effect of the drug to be eyelash growth, prompting Allergan to study it for the new use.

Latisse is a once-daily prescription treatment that is applied to the base of the upper eyelash with a sterile, single-use-per-eye disposable applicator. Once treatment is stopped, eyelashes will gradually return to where they were prior to treatment.

True, it's more of a treatment than a permanent cure, but even so: No longer will those who suffer from flimsy-eyelash-syndrome (FES) be unable to throw a sultry wink at a handsome man in a three piece suit. No longer will small insects be able to dive into their eye balls like Greg Louganis into a pool. This amazing discovery lashes out at a debilitating affliction that affected dozens of people around the world.

To celebrate this great discovery, here is one of the most stylish videos of all time, Ashford and Simpson's "Found a Cure!"

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Rick Warren

I've been out with bronchitis for a while, but I am recovering just in time to bring you another installment of the Internet's fastest growing blog sensation, Celebrity Gift Suggestions.

Today's gift is just perfect for Rick Warren. I'm sure we're all a bit stumped how a right wing preacher who compared President Elect Obama to a holocaust denier before the election now ended up being invited to do some superstitious hoodoo I don't get at the inauguration. But we can't be as stumped as Warren's family members, who are facing the task of buying a gift for somebody who made enough money with his book deals to bail out the auto industry all by himself.

Well, be stumped no more, Warrenses. Your prayers have been answered!

For Rick Warren: A Mike Jones gift certificate.



A few hours with the man who previously serviced Warren's esteemed colleague Ted Haggard, and possibly Larry Craig, too, and Rick could get out of his system whatever makes him think about homosexuality so much. Everybody wins!

Just a word of advice, Mr Warren: No barebacking at Saddleback, mmmkay? We want this Christmas to remain merry!

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Ann Coulter

I am not sure if this person does have loved ones, but here is today's gift suggestion for right wing harpy, Ann Coulter.





A straw.

It's two gifts in one, really: First, she will need one to have her daily small diet water, as she broke her jaw recently and they wired it shut - hopefully permanently. I mean that in the most loving and constructive way possible.
Also, the straw being very thin, 100% white and completely empty is a dead ringer for Ann - so you can tell her it's the ultra rare new Ann Coulter action figure!

The straw is available for free in most fast food restaurants and already comes gift-wrapped in stylish white paper. Show her she's worth it!

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Big 3 Auto CEOs

With this newest installment of the increasingly popular "Celebrity Gift Suggestions", I am responding to an increase in demand by lending a hand to several families at once. I am talking about the loved ones (and trophy wives) of the CEOs of America's leading car makers.

Alan Mulally of Ford, Robert Nardelli of Chrysler and Richard Wagoner of GM saw it fit to fly to Washington in their individual private jets to explain to the government how their companies are doing so badly that only a dose of socialist welfare will keep them over water.


Now, the perfect gift for those three gentlemen must be ...














The Greedy Bastards edition of "Simplify Your Life!"
Unlike the book I suggested for Kenny Rogers, this one is not available anywhere yet. But I am just disgusted enough to write it.

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Ted Haggard

I hesitate to call Ted Haggard a celebrity, as he is more infamous than famous. I guess a better description of the man best known as Pastor Meth would be lying, hypocritical scum.

But it's the season to be giving and loving, and lord knows the man put his family through enough and they deserve a little support - and what am I if not giving?

The formerly reverend Ted Haggard now resurfaced as an insurance salesman. Because our opinion of him had not been low enough previously, I guess. But back to being giving.

For Ted Haggard, I suggest two gifts: "Praise the Lord" tumblers and Jesus air fresheners.

Because nothing fills that void left behind by crystal meth like cheap liquor downed praising the almighty, and nothing chases away the aroma of santorum like a pine scented messiah.

Merry Christmas, Haggard family!

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Kenny Rogers

Ho, ho, fricken ho. As the first snow is decorating the roofs I can see from my window, I decided to give the gift of inspired ideas this holiday season to the many families of celebrities I am sure are reading my blog.


It must be hard when you have to buy something for somebody who has everything. I know Oprah said she really loved the Lalique decanter that Luther Vandross gave her a few years ago, but are we really sure she did not use it as a gravy boat because she already had fourteen others?


So this year, at absolutely no cost to the public, I am presenting gift ideas for celebrities on my blog.


First off is that icon of country and pop music, one of the most successful recording artists of all time, Kenny Rogers.


For Kenny, I suggest his family buy the book How to Fold by Pepin Press:



Kenny has known for years when to fold 'em. It's about time he learned how to fold 'em, too.


How to Fold is a whopping 432 pages and comes with a CD ROM. It's available for less than 20 bucks from good book stores or online. Are you reading, Rogers family??

Kim Jong Il Photoshop Controversy

The North Korean government has been releasing all kinds of photos of Kim Jong Il posing with soldiers to prove that he is not, you know, pushing up posies. Only problem is: As The Telegraph notes, the photos look manipulated. Holy Weekend at Bernie's, Batman! Here is another photo of Kim visiting with a special undercover task force of the proud North Korean army. You be the judge... I think it looks legit, personally.

The Gourmet Choice: Bacon > Fries

Not a hoax: That race was between Bob Bacon and Matt Fries. It is not true, however, that the Green Party candidate was one Michelle Milk-Shake.

Two Great Voices Fell Silent Forever

Over the past few days, two of my favorite singers passed away.

Dee Dee Warwick... Dionne's sister, who called her "the singer in the family." She may not have had Dionne's perfect command of melodies, but she more than made up for that with extra helpings of passion and soul. She sang the original version of "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me", later recorded by the Supremes with the Temptations as well as Gladys Knight and the Pips. And I'm pretty sure that if you give her wonderful recordings a listen, she will indeed make you love her. Dee Dee was only 63 years old but had spent her final months in a nursing home due to bad health.







Levi Stubbs, the unforgettable lead singer of the Four Tops, also passed away. He was 72 and had long been plagued by serious health crisis, including cancer.
Levi is often underestimated as a "shouter" because he is best known for songs like "Reach Out, I'll Be There" and "Standing in the Shadows of Love." But the strength of his voice came with impeccable control and could reveal an unexpected tenderness, as on the Four Tops original recording of "I Believe in You and Me" - a song that requires a humongous vocal range and was later covered by voice acrobats David Peaston and Whitney Houston. But to me, the Four Tops version will always be the ultimate rendition of this beautiful love song, due to the unparalleled Levi Stubbs.

Review: Bourbon Island, 1730

On a recent trip to France, I picked up a new graphic novel by one of my favorite authors, Lewis Trondheim. The upcoming English translation from First Second publishers will be called Bourbon Island 1730, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. In previous works, Trondheim has dealt with everything from offbeat sci-fi humor to Seinfeld-style character studies and almost Proustian philosophizing. And almost always, he has done so with funny animal characters. This time, he and co-writer Appollo take a look at a dark chapter in the history of the latter's home island, once called Bourbon but nowadays known as La Réunion.



The tale starts out as an adventurous tapestry of engaging characters: the ornithologist trying to find the maybe-not-extinct-yet dodo, his young assistant who is fascinated with the stories of Pirates on the island, the farmer's daughter who has romantic ideas about the escaped slaves living in the jungle while her father is a former pirate who took advantage of the French government's (historically authentic) amnesty offer.

The story soon becomes something much deeper, however. It does not fall into the trap of romanticizing the past. Its depiction of slavery is brutal and moving. Bourbon Island 1730 could be to slavery what Art Spiegelman's Maus was to the Holocaust.

I took the liberty to translate a dialog from around the middle of this 288 page (including the helpful historical notes in the back) black and white graphic novel.

A young Yoruba was recently captured in his West-African home and sold into slavery. From outside his jail, he is suddenly addressed in his own language by an unknown stranger...

- What's going to happen to me?

- Tomorrow you'll be sold on the market square. A planter will buy you with a lot of other slaves and take you to his plantation. You'll be a pick-axe negro. They'll give you a garment you'll wear a year. And you will sleep in a cabana with the others.
In the morning, before the sun rises, you will head out to the coffee fields. You will work all day without rest. If it's not fast enough, the commander will whip you. At nightfall, you return to the cabana. You'll be to beat to think of anything. You will sleep like a beast to try and recover before the new day.
Sundays, you may sometimes rest. But the white preachers will take you to church where you will pray to their God. Forget the old gods: they never did anything for you and nobody here knows them. The new god isn't any better, but one has to pretend.

- Is there no escape?

- The Malagasies sometimes escape to the mountains. But the Whites will soon chase them down. Others build logboats to try to make it back to the big island. But I don't know if any of them ever survived the crossing. But you, little head, where would you go? Your home is too far away. You have nowhere to go. If the whites catch you trying to flee, the first time they will cut off your ear. The second time, they will cut off your foot and the third time, they will kill you. As you see, it's well organized.

- What about you? Are you going to do something for me?

- No... Here, take this knife. Kill Dhermitte if you can. If not him, any white will do. Don't use it against yourself - kill somebody else with it. They need to know that they, too, can die like dogs at any moment. I'm going to leave you now. It was nice to talk in the language of the old country again...

Bourbon Island 1730 is solicited for October 28 from First Second. Ask for it at your local comic book store.