Aretha Franklin's Onion

When my brother and I were kids, my mother sometimes read us a fairy tale called "The Onion."

It was the story of an evil, selfish old lady who had done only one good deed in her life: She had given a single onion to a starving homeless beggar. After her death, she finds herself in hell - but she is told that her one good deed might be her salvation: An onion is lowered from the heavens that just might be strong enough to lift her up to the pearly gates and beyond if only she can hold on to it.

So grab the onion she did, and as she got lifted up, some other lost souls saw their chance to spend eternity in cooler climates and held on to her legs. "No!" she screamed. "It will never carry all of us. Get your own damn onion!" as she kicks them off. Of course, at that very moment, the onion falls apart and she becomes Satan's bitch for evah and evah.

Ah, I love a story where the guy gets the girl in the end. Sniff.

But anyway. I'm sure all of us know evil people who have that one redeeming moment, some may even have a few. For example, did you know that Diana Ross helped pay Mary Wells's medical bills when the latter was dying of throat cancer?

For me, Aretha Franklin's onion moment was when she handed over the Grammy she had just won for her "Young, Gifted and Black" album to fellow nominee Esther Phillips. I had always assumed that Aretha realized what I feel about the two albums in question: While "Young, Gifted and Black" is one of several phenomenal Aretha recordings, Esther's "From a Whisper to a Scream" was a musical milestone, an emotional tour de force that would stand the test of time as one of the greatest albums ever recorded.

And then I read Aretha's explanation in her autobiography, "From These Roots." Here it is, straight from the horse's ass. I mean mouth. Maybe.

Perhaps my most memorable Grammy moment, though, was when I appreciated another artist. It happened at the 1972 Grammy ceremonies.
I won for Young, Gifted and Black but gave the Grammy to Esther Phillips, who had been nominated for From a Whisper to a Scream. I liked Esther's record, although I didn't consider it better than mine. I gave her my Grammy because Esther was battling personal demons, and I felt she could use encouragement.

It was a pity Grammy!!

Go kick at Esther's soul, Aretha. See what it will get you.

I am not even gonna dedicate an Aretha clip to this entry. Here are Marvin and Tammy Terrell, with the Onion Song.

Rep. Bob Allen Found Guilty

John McCain's Florida campaign honcho and state Representative Bob Allen is not having a good week.

Seconds after he was convicted Friday of soliciting a sex act in a park bathroom, legislative leaders were discussing how to remove him from office.

"This conviction makes it impossible for Rep. Allen to represent responsibly the citizens of his district," Florida House Speaker Marco Rubio said in a statement. "Furthermore, it is my personal belief that it harms the reputation of the Florida House of Representatives. We will now take the appropriate steps."

Allen, R-Merritt Island, who did not testify in his own defense, insisted he is innocent.

"I have done nothing wrong, and my family, my God and my good constituents know that," Allen said as he left the courtroom flanked by his three attorneys. "We're going to continue to seek justice."

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, to clear his name, Bob Allen will devote his time to finding the real fellationists!
I think he might have gotten off if his lawyer had considered asking the arresting officer to drop his pants in court and going for a "if the cock don't fit, you must acquit" defense.

Cough.

Anyway, here is Gladys Knight with "Guilty."

Featuring Creatures

A quick plug for a friend: My old message board buddy Ty, aka Spongeboy, aka General Admission, has a cool new feature on his blog about mythological creatures featuring his own artwork. His first two installments are:

The Barbegazi
The Amphisbaena

Giuliani is trying hard to convince America that he is from the Republican wing of the Republican party

Say what you will about Rudy, he has a good compass for what Republicans really stand for, and lately that seems to be child molestation.

As ABC reports:

Giuliani Defends, Employs Priest Accused of Molesting Teens

Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani hired a Catholic priest to work in his consulting firm months after the priest was accused of sexually molesting two former students and an altar boy and told by the church to stop performing his priestly duties.

The priest, Monsignor Alan Placa, a longtime friend of Giuliani and the priest who officiated at his second wedding to Donna Hanover, continues to work at Giuliani Partners in New York, to the outrage of some of his accusers and victims' groups, which have begun to protest at Giuliani campaign events.

"This man did unjust things, and he's being protected and employed and taken care of. It's not a good thing," said one of the accusers, Richard Tollner, who says Placa molested him repeatedly when he was a student at a Long Island, N.Y. Catholic boys high school in 1975.

At a campaign appearance in Milwaukee last week, Giuliani continued to defend Placa, who he described to reporters as a close friend for 39 years.
(...)

The report concluded that Priest F, and several other priests under investigation from the same Long Island, N.Y. diocese, could not be prosecuted because the statute of limitations had expired.

Several former students from the same high school say they were asked by the "Giuliani organization" to contact ABC News and vouch for Placa.

Link

The Republican party: Would you let those guys babysit your children?

To anyone who will fight to keep those people from power, here is Marvin Gaye with "For God's sake, won't somebody please think about the children??"

Now all we need is Jeff Gannon to be involved

The male prostitute who provided penis and crystal meth to Pastor Meth Ted Haggard claims that Larry Craig was his client, too.

I'd say that's too good to be true, but when has Mike Jones ever lied to us?

I'm kind of wondering... who's making love to Larry Craig's and Ted Haggard's old ladies, while they're out kneeling in front of Mike Jones?

Hell No, Larry Craig Won't Go

Idaho Senator Larry Craig wasn't allowed to withdraw his guilty plea, but he had his mind set on withdrawing something, so he's not resigning from the Senate as he had promised/announced/broadly hinted at previously.

One reason he gave was that he can do much more good for Idaho than a rookie senator because after many years in Congress, he sits on all of them important committees. I guess it slipped his mind that his Republican brethren already made him step down from all those committees. And they will no doubt continue to put pressure on him to step down, as he has put himself under the public's magnifying glass. When he shamefully continued his pattern of homophobic votes recently by voting against extending hate-crimes legislation to gay, lesbian and transgendered victims, the media took notice. And they will continue to do so - Craig will be a damned homo if he does, a damned homo if he doesn't. And they will dig up every trick he ever turned.

I am sure his fellow Republican Senators would prefer he followed Mark Foley's example, so let's dedicate Amy Winhouse's "Rehab" to Larry Craig, shall we?

Wish You Were Here

Happy 80th birthday, dad. We miss you.

Chaka's Amnesia

While I am happy to report that the rest of Chaka Khan's new album Funk This is much better than that messy duet with Mary J Blige I blogged about a few weeks ago.

But I am a bit confused why both she and her record company claim that it's her first album in a decade:

Chaka Khan releases first album in decade

Khan also duets with Mary J. Blige on the track "Disrespectful," and she hopes "Funk This" fills what she feels has been a void since her last album, the 1998 Reprise release "Come 2 My House."

"I went to about three companies (after Reprise)," she said. "We almost got to the point where we were gonna record and things got funky so I left. I just figured when it happens it'll happen, y'know?"

Khan kept busy in that time, though, touring constantly and snagging a Grammy in 2003 for her cover of "What's Going On" with the Funk Brothers.

First off, it's not been a full decade since 1998, but let's not nit-pick. But it's barely been 3 years since Chaka's wonderful album ClassicKhan with the London Symphonic orchestra. Sanctuary may not be a big label, but it should have been a big album. Chaka's singing was impeccable, and her renditions of songs like "To Sir With Love" and "Diamonds are Forever" were stunning.

Here is some different Classic Khan:

For Laura Dern, the Masquerade Ain't Over

Back in 1995, actress Laura Dern played opposite Eric Stoltz in "Mask," the latter being covered by thick layers of latex and makeup as his character suffered from a skull deformity.

For her next project, Ms Dern will suffer a similar fate: On HBO's upcoming TV movie Recount, she will play your favorite crazy Republican and mine, Katherine Harris! While this will no doubt mean hours upon hours spent with makeup artists, at least the movie takes place before Kitty got her mammary enhancements, so we won't have to worry about her developing a bad back from carrying around falsies on stage all day.

I just hope Laura's hottie rock star husband, Ben Harper, won't be too badly traumatized.

To the very courageous Laura Dern, here is George Benson with "This Masquerade."

Fun with Katherine Harris and selective quoting

From tbo.com:

Religious Right Leaders Congregate

BRANDON - Some of the best-known national leaders in the religious right movement have converged on a Brandon church this weekend for a conference to discuss gay rights issues (...).

It also included one of the first public appearances by Katherine Harris, former Florida secretary of state and U.S. House member (...).

Harris suggested she's happy to be out.

(...)

Dedicated to out and proud Katherine Harris, here is Jill Sobule with Fabio. Wait a minute, Fabio is in this??

Everybody Wants Angela Merkel's Sweet, Sweet Lovin'

Poor Angela Merkel. It can't be easy being a pretty girl the only female at all those international summits mostly attended by men of low morals.

First she had to use a Klingon Karate move to fight off George W. Bush's advances:

And now word reaches us that she is sick and tired of French president's Nicolas Sarkozy's wandering hands:

Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel has made it clear that she does not relish being kissed and pawed every time she meets France's Nicolas Sarkozy.

The French President has cultivated a touchy-feeling relationship with his German counterpart, tutoyer-ing and embracing her like a long-lost friend since even before he became President. Frau Merkel - a studious East German minister's daughter - appears to have put up with the Latin Sarkozy's affections at the outset, but has become increasingly weary of his affections.

According to the daily Le Parisien, Merkel's circle is putting word about that Sarkozy should back off with the bises and back-slapping. The previous President, Jacques Chirac, played the Gallic gentlemen with Frau Merkel, giving her a delicate kiss on the hand when they met. Sarkozy has stopped short of bear hugs and ruffling her hair, but not far short.

To poor Angela, I dedicate the great Shirley Bassey with "Can I Touch You... There?"

Shirley Bassey - Can I Touch You... There?

To Bush and Sarkozy, I dedicate the Tubes with "Don't Touch Me There!"
No means no, guys.

This is Awesomesauce!

I'm sure most of you were unlucky enough to have caught that very scary person on the youtubez of the Internets asking us all to LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

As painful as I found that to watch, this is pure genius:

Britney's VMA Comeback Britneypalooza

Because the good people employees of Viacom always make sure nobody can watch clips their train wrecks of shows on youtube, this may be one of the few places where you can watch Britney's big Video Music Performance in its entirety.
Enjoy. Watch.

PS

Comparing Sen. Larry Craig's arrest in a public restroom sex sting to a "traffic offense," the Idaho Republican's lawyer says his client should stay in the Senate and fight ethics charges against him.

Via Rawstory.

I guess being rear-ended IS a traffic thing.

Pull up to the bumper, Wide Stance!

He Sucks me, he Sucks me not...

First he's pleads guilty, then he doesn't.
First he's doing the gay sex, then he's never been gay.
First he resigns from the Senate, now he... might not?

Delusional gay dad and sex starved senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig is "reconsidering" his resignation according to the AP.

He even might run for re-election. I hope he does, and that the Democrats will have an openly gay or lesbian candidate opposing him, so the voters have a choice between hypocrisy and honesty.

To Larry "Toe Tapper" Craig, I dedicate Tyrone Davis's toe-tapping song about having no spine, "Can I Change my Mind?"