Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Sarah Palin

At a personal request, this very special edition of Celebrity Gift Suggestions is dedicated to Sarah Palin, former beauty vice-queen, former mayor of New Novosibirsk, former Governor and former poster child for abstinence only sex education. It must be quite difficult having to find a gift for Ms Palin - you can't get her a magazine or newspaper subscription, she already reads all of them. You can't get her anything for the house, she gets everything done thanks to nepotism. So what can you get for the mother of Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig Palin, grandmother of Tripp Palin-Johnston?

Why, this hot off the presses book, of course!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Celebrity Gift Suggestions: Buju Banton

Currently Grammy Award nominated homophobe and recording hate monger, Buju Banton, is in a prison cell in Miami charged with "conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute more than five kilos of cocaine."

So, if you are Buju's cell mate and realizing: This guy is gonna be here for a while, I better make nice with him - here is the perfect gift to get Mr Banton for the upcoming holiday.


Reggae for Dummies - because Buju? You're using the wrong drugs, dumbass. You're supposed to smoke "Ganja" to be taken seriously in reggae circles. And it's more than a little ironic that a guy who buys into the brain dead idea that homosexuality was somehow injected into your society by white men would be found neck-deep in what is essentially considered a white drug in every meaning of the word.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Timely Return of Celebrtity Gift Suggestions

It's that time of year again!

The time when plastic lawn ornaments, made by underage Chinese political prisoners in overlong night shifts, stand in the rain on this our warmer globe.

The time when you can hear the greatest hits of Whitney Houston - played on the pan flute, while drinking cheap hot wine that's only drinkable with enough cinnamon added to cover up the methanol taste.

That's right, lads and gentlebeings: It's time for that annually returning blog sensation, Celebrity Gift Suggestions.

This year, I'm kicking things off with the United States' favorite conspiracy theorist and fear monger, Glenn Beck. Don't spell his name Glen, as you never know when you might need an extra N to evoke Godwin's Law!

For Glenn Beck this year, a hypothetical loved one should run, not walk, to the local toy store to get him a box of Clue.

Because really, if Glenn isn't gonna get a Clue, we must buy one for him.

And no, Glenn: "President Obama with a forged birth certificate in the White House Library" is not a valid answer to win this game.